While the world seems to be spinning,
out of control around you but it seems to be floating by everyone else. Many times as I look around me at other people I feel envy…I’m not sure exactly what of. I’m not unhappy with myself, but I’m not exactly thrilled either. I feel like I should be further in life but circumstances out of my control have held me up along the way.
Circumstances have made me to feel insecure in every relationship I have and the curse is that I will always feel this way. It’s not him really..we had a rocky start. But now we’re our kind of perfect. He loves me but I often question myself. Who am I to love? I’m no one special. I’m not talented, I’m not highly successful although I’m working to get there. I’m not a funny person although I attempt to be and it goes horribly wrong. What does he see in me, I wonder. Then I ask if he really even wants to be here. After all, I’m no one special. That girl there, she’s so funny. She’s smart and talented. She plays the guitar and writes songs too. I heard she even enters drawing contests at the local coffee shop. Gosh, I hope he doesn’t notice her…
I could be living my dreams if my life hadn’t gotten so messed up. God hasn’t forgotten me has He? I feel like, at times, He is trying to teach me a lesson. What did I do wrong? I prayed, I read your Word, I tried to follow the rules I just grew restless..I wanted to live and to feel…I wanted to play and have fun. Life is so short.
Why do I suddenly feel alone? I’m not alone though…does that mean I simply feel lonely? Yes. I feel lonely. I see him, I see you. He’s right there, right here. He’s holding my hand and he’s laughing about something. Oh, I have lost our connection. I tuned him out. I feel lonely. But he’s right here. What does that mean for me? Am I destined to be alone? So many things scare me…worry me. I can’t shut off my brain..
Will I fail? I am working so hard to be something so great but will I be able to accomplish it? I used to be so smart…I thought I could do this but now I wonder. I felt so sure but I might not even make it. I’m better than this I’m just so stressed and so busy with so many things at once. Sometimes I feel like I am losing it. I feel like I will lose him. If I lose my chance at making my dream come true…that’s it for me. This is everything…it MUST work. This MUST happen. God? God I am still here. I am still believing in You and that You have a way for me. Can You even hear me right now? Am I praying wrong? Does God only hear our prayers if we pray very specifically? I’m sorry Lord…Forgive me…
He’s here….I feel him now. I don’t feel so alone on this night like I do often nights. He’s holding my hand again, holding me. Kissing me. I just love it when he looks at me. I never feel lonely when he just looks at me. Sometimes, I can be so mean. I do it to get his attention. Even if it’s anger I get in return, he’s paying attention to me. He doesn’t understand…I don’t understand.
One day God will show me the way & my path will be fulfilled. One day, he will marry me and I will never feel lonely again. One day, I will achieve my dreams. I work hard, I make things happen. I worry way too much and I envy those who appear to have it right. I mean well and never intentionally hurt anyone. I like to live…really live. I cry a lot because I stress a lot. He’s always there to clean up the tears. He loves me. I don’t know why, but He loves me.
-Thinking out Loud-